Monday, May 10, 2010

Alive and Well in Seattle

Hello, friends! As you may have gathered by now, updating my blog has somehow fallen by the wayside lately. I have lofty goals of keeping up with everything in my life- friends, family, husband, cat, laundry, cooking, baking, cleaning, writing, reading, crafting, sewing- not to mention getting all the way through "Battlestar Galactica" and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life, but lately it seems like I just can't do it all. It wouldn't be quite so frustrating if I didn't feel like once there was a time when I did do it all. I used to have more energy or time, or maybe I was a better prioritizer or something, but I look back about ten years and have an image of myself getting things done and making it all happen while still spending the quality time I wanted with my friends and family. (It is entirely possible that this is a total lie and that I'm looking back with rose-coloured glasses at a time when I was simply overly busy, but I don't remember it that way at all. I remember being both social and productive.) Now I do spend quite a bit of quality time with my husband and cat, and I do work enough to pay the bills and keep Clevie in organic kitty treats, but I rarely see or even talk to my friends or family, and I seem to be behind in every other aspect of life. I have an enormous list of things to get done which I call my Panda List, because I keep it in a pink notebook that has pandas all over the cover. The tasks are mostly small- have the stereo repaired, make a dentist appointment, host a movie night, send a (late) wedding present, hang pictures in the frames that we bought nine months ago- that sort of thing. But I guess I'm just not trying hard enough, because while I have the occasional productive day when I check off five things in one fell swoop and I feel really good about it, most days I'm just adding more things to the list that I halfway already know I'll never get around to! Then there are the things that I want to do in the future (learn to play the piano better, start going to the gym, etc.) that don't even make the list- the list is for things to get done ASAP, and future endeavours will have to wait. But what if there is no future because there is no end to the list?! What is a girl to do? Unfortunately, this isn't going to be some kind of uplifting post where I tell you all about my amazing action plan to make the most out of life, mostly because although I love to be uplifting, I really don't have a plan at all! I'm just wondering what I'm missing. I see people out there with a bunch of kids or really time-consuming jobs, and I really wonder how they get everything done that they want to do! If you threw a couple of kids in the mix right now, I would absolutely tear out my hair (probably good, since I wouldn't ever have time to wash it), and would most certainly end up in some sort of mental facility. Perhaps I have too many interests? Perhaps I have a ridiculous sense of time and think things take a lot less time than they actually do? Perhaps I should get up earlier in the morning? Perhaps I need to seriously rethink my priorities? I really need to spend some time thinking about these things, because I have to say, it's tremendously unsatisfying to feel like I'm living a list, the end of which I'll never see. Every day I am disappointed at how little I have accomplished, and every day I am anxious about how I will ever "live" my life when I feel like living is only possible after all of the items on the to-do list are crossed off. Wow- this went from a "I'll just post a quick vacation picture and say 'hi' to everyone" post to something wayyy less fun! I didn't mean to be Debbie Downer tonight, but I guess I have some things on my mind. And don't get me wrong, all in all, I would say I have a fabulously simple life and I am very grateful for it. I just have a few things I need to get figured out. I'm going to go add "figure out life" to my list. ;) (Here's that vacation picture, anyway! It's from our March trip to San Francisco, where we stayed with our friends Debolina and Jason and had an AWESOME time.) Thank you for listening. The end.